Just like old times

It was there. Perhaps it always was. I thought I was over this girl, however that's most definitely not the case. I can't get enough of her. It crosses my mind that this all may be because she's leaving, but I don't care I like it. She's beautiful. Lovely. Loving. Crazy. Smart. Sexy. Funny. Fun as shit.
I'm gonna chase this rabbit down the hole, for she's late, so very late, and I am too.

It's been a hot minute

Hi there. How are you? Where are you? I think you're at work somewhere. It doesn't and hasn't mattered. You're not here and I am not there. I do get to see you occasionally and you will always live inside a very happy place in my mind. However, I digress. It's not that I don't care or constantly think of you, it's just that I never see you, and it's my turn to come visit. In that vein, I should tell you a few things. Mostly it's those kisses you give me that cause me to flutter, just enough.

Alright, here we go...

 I'm married to a lesbian, that had a girlfriend, who was married to a man, but now that's all over. I told her I was also a lesbian, trapped in a man's body. She kissed me and then we got married. Kissed a bit more and then we had to give up on our girlfriend. She's a bit confused anyhow, that one we called our girlfriend. I mean, think of the children bitch.

 I'm sitting here now wondering why I'm telling you any of this? However for some reason, I believe this will find you smiling, I trust all is well gumdrop. I've got the most fantastic challenge.

I'm married to a lesbian, who has a girlfriend that's married to a man. However, we had to let her go. It just wasn't working. So, now we're so happy and pretty free. However, we're both lesbians. I am only struggling with one, two or a million things. I have a penis. I just want to snuggle. I feel like it will all work out, also today is Friday. 

sometimes

I'm just sitting at the bar, with a rather tasty beer, and wondering what is gonna drop. I went (home) and the door was locked. Still no key. So I left, found this place and came out to the lonely souls corner.

Last night was fun and hot, yet again I woke up alone. I'm sure that's for the best, but she felt pretty damn good in my hands. Apparently she don't stay the night. "What's the matter with breakfast" I mumbled as she drove away.

Fail.

Yeah, so what? I knew that was the deal. One shot, and I didn't take it. Fuck it.

I've been thinking lately that this whole business is silly. Why do I not have a girl? What's the problem?

I mean, I got 99, but a bitch ain't 1. I should just keep one around. At least, for the summer. You know I like them sitting next to me.

Cook me breakfast.
Please.
It dawned on me recently that I've always taken care of my ladies.

I would like you to take care of me. Just for a minute, cause you know I got those biscuits that just can't wait...

THE BLUES JUST SOUND SO GOOD.

It's over. It always is. The one I just said I loved has left and gone away. It's for the best though, I could tell she was pulling away anyhow. Perhaps that's why I confessed it. I tried to make her stay. Fail. Which is fine, for it shouldn't be that hard. When you feel it, and she does too, it's the easiest thing in the world.

I was getting a bit lost anyhow. I had forgotten what I want and need to make me sane. I need to get my life in order. I have been so close, yet so far away. I need a change. This pattern has repeated too many times. I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy at all. It causes great stress, and that is the one thing I told myself I would not live with. I have seen that ugly word destroy my fathers health. I will not let it do the same for me.

I know I've got that something special that not many possess. Now it's time for me to use it. Let it shine. Without her. Just for me. For everyone else in the world that I love and care for.

when I wake up, I'm amazing.

Occasionally, I get drunk. It's fun. Sorry for partying. When I awake from my sedated slumber, I have questions. Usually, I get answers.

Tonight, the answer that came to me was the most important one.

I love her.

Shit.

I do.

Even I, tried not to fall. However, it was inevitable.

I'm down.

Face down on the ground. Just laying here, wondering if you'll get my crazy. Hoping you will and dreaming of how it will go down. I dare not write about that.

You're welcome.

I think it's you.

However, you see I don't ever know where you are. I want to get on a plane and show up at your doorstep. I fear though that when I get there, you won't be there. Off saving the world, with him. Or maybe you're saving yourself from him. I hope so. You told me he's not dark enough to see your light. So I said be free.

Be free. Come see about me.

I've got cool shoes, cute socks, a ferocious mustache, and a lost look in my eyes.

Come and find me. It's me. I'm he. Just look inside and you will see. It's me. It always has been, and forever will be.

If this were the movies and you'd gone back to your family's farm, I'd come for you. However, this isn't, there is no farm, and I have no idea where to find you.

Please be free. Come see about me.

I'll make you happy. You'll laugh until you cry. I am dark enough to see your light, and I know at least I drive you mildly wild. We'll be free. Happy. Silly.

Be free. For me

It was a meet cute, a movie moment.

Wow. That's how I am feeling today. It almost seems unreal. Last night was the best time I have had in forever. Although I got a little lost on the way to pick her up, I was even more lost when I saw her again. It had been over two weeks, since I had seen this Raven haired beauty standing before me at work.

"Hey, there, looking for me?"

"Actually, I was."

It may e not seem all movie magic to you, but if you had been there and felt the weight of her stare and that sparkle in her eye, then you would know just what I am speaking of. It left me feeling like there's something there, something I needed to follow. So I did.

I had invited her to a party, but alas she was out of the country, literally. We made plans to go out when she returned. So when I walked up the stairs to her apartment, and she opened the door, she stood there all aglow. Fresh out outta the shower, and those tussled locks teasing me every which way but loose. I got the tour, met the roomies and we were off.

We decided on sushi, for she's at least half Asian, not Latina, as I had originally thought. This one is a stunner. Absolutely gorgeous dark features, and so much light her beautiful brown eyes. I think we started playing footsie, almost as soon as we sat down. We tried to blame it on the pole under the table, but hey this ain't my first rodeo. So, the feeling is there, and sparks fly when I look into her eyes.

The thing I did not know about this guy is that she is a smart cookie. Me gusta. We had fun, lighthearted dinner conversation and then it was time to move. I took her to the dark and secluded bar at the San Jose hotel. This is where thigs got a little deep and I started to fall, just a little for this one. I asked her about her thoughts on love, and she said, "You know, I remember how fun it is to fall into it, and I want to do that again." Pause here big boy, she did not say that she wanted to fall in love with you, but hey at least the door is open, and at best, I have a shot. Yippee. I started to get those little flutters in my tummy. That's when things just started to fall into place. Oh yeah, she speaks spanish! I love that. She's flexible, meaning she can and wants to make it work, I think. I just picked up things like when she said, " I don't mind going out on weekdays" and "I like to be woken up in the middle of the night."

My heart swooned. For we do have opposite schedules, but it sounds like she would like to try. I could not have been happier. As we left the bar, and walked back to my truck I tried to be a little spontaneous. We tried to sneak in the back of the continental cub, but alas, this jig was up, we got caught. So there, walking through the street draped in moonlight, I looked back at her and stopped walking. "What?" she said.

I grabbed her face pulled her in, and I kissed the softest lips I think I ever have. It was magic. It was out of a movie. It was a moment I will never forget. The rest for now is history. I took her to work in the morning, and suddenly we were just as comfortable as if we had done this a thousand times. I would like to do it ten thousand more. Girl you really got me…

Then there's her.

A blast from the past. An old friend. An ex-lover. Comes into town, and it was like never before. I remembered the things that initially attracted me to this siren from the sea. We had the most fun weekend I have had in quite some time. However, now she's gone, and I am sitting here all one. I do not like it! I woke up alone, today, yesterday, and tomorrow.



Last night I nearly lost my mind. I had some things go down with my work, but it turns out that's ok. Other things have come to play. I should be more excited about this. However, my words fall on deaf ears, for no one hears me speak them. I need my partner to bounce ideas off of, and tell me just when I am about to lose it.



Luckily, I have friends. I am very thankful for them, for they do play a part in helping me when I start to go crazy, or crazier than usual. The one, though she's gone, still has my thumbs, for we have been txting, sexting, talking about the miles between us, and what we've done.



Maybe I will go see her for my birthday. I mean shit, I really need a vacation. I haven't gone anywhere in years.



Perhaps she can save me. I mean someone is gonna have to. I know I need a lot from the one I keep writing about. The girls these days do not seem to want it though. They are too independent. They are too full of themselves. They can't think that there's someone better, that has a boat, a house on the lake, and enough money to let them pinterest all damn day.



Whatever happened to two fools in love? A duo, a pair, a team, working on their future together? Did that get lost somewhere around 1967? I don't think so. For I know a lot of my friends are working on that very thing at this very moment.

We've Got it Going On.

Every time I see her, my heart skips a beat and I remember just what I saw in her the first time I laid eyes on her. She's got a spark in those baby blues. Oh, and she smells just like heaven! The conversation is easy and effortless. We have a very hard time keeping our paws off one another.

Yes, we have only had three dates, and according to a good friend, just one more then we can start double dating. Well, this might be an issue. We have complete different schedules. On Our first date I asked of this would be a problem. She assured me that it wouldn't and that we could make it work. She says she wants me, so I told her we would have to try and make it work, it won't be easy, but nothing that really matters ever is.

What I say to you is this: I am willing to make it work. I will do whatever I can. I'll request a schedule change. I'll get up early. I'll drive all night just to see you smile, have a hug and kiss, and then get back on the road.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. However, I don't want things to stay planted on the ground, just because we have different schedules. I think with just a little more effort on both our parts, we can launch this vessel that we call our love, deep into the cosmos.

So come on baby, let's work it out, let's make this happen. Things like this don't happen all the time, or really even all that often. What I know is that I really like her, and I can't wait to see her, for she is all I think about these days.

The other night, I had a moment of clarity. I realized that I was scared shitless of this girl, for she's a real contender. I mean she is the closest thing to what I want that I have met in quite some time. I decided in this moment, that even though I am scared, I will take all I have and put it on the line for this pretty one. Here I am, come and take me.

I mean, shit.

So you know, I'm crazy. I do silly things. Like stay up all night watching movies, contemplating my very being. I think it's good, at times.

Tonight, I did something very romantic, absolutely stupid, and totally misguided. I went for it.



For there's a girl, I was thinking of. I haven't spoke of her to anyone. So, I thought of making a grand gesture.

I thought about it, and decided to do it.

I txted her at six in the morning.

The way I see it is like this: remember when your dad or at least someone's said that he threw rocks at your grandmas window? Back then that was cool. Maybe we all went to bed earlier.

Anywho, I thought of that one. Tried to throw a pebble at her window.

I did.

Whatever she says or doesn't say, means everything. I just want to prove everyone wrong. One time. For recording.

It's also the last of the last. I feel as if that's the nail in the coffin. So to her, to it. Cheers.

HOLA

It was mostly as I thought, but also it was a lot more than I believed. Maybe it can be different this time. Perhaps this spark will start a fire. There's many things that I like about this one. She's fun and funny. What color is her hair today? She's sweet, a cuddle bug, and man she's down.

I think that we will get along just fine. It was hard for me to stop the words of terror spilling from my mouth. I was doing a pretty good job of putting on a bad impression. She didn't seem to mind. She seems to want the things that I do too. There was some mentions of said things, but not too much. Just something I picked up on. We carried on as if we had known each other for much longer than the truth of only a few hours. It was easy. It felt good. It felt really good.

She seemed to be holding back just a little when we kissed, for I felt that if she gave in fully, she might get lost. That's a place I have been, and it's not great to get all googley eyed right off the bat. I like how it went. She left me wanting more. So we have a lunch date tomorrow.

Maybe this time. Just maybe…

HERE WE GO, AGAIN.

I'm here again. Sitting alone at my desk, thinking of things I have, things I need, and things I want. It's almost if I went in a circle, but it's not really. For, I have received things I needed. Much needed. My new job  is going very well, and I am much happier with it, than the previous. This is a good thing. I feeling much more "like myself" whatever that means.

You know what I want, so I dare not say it's name. I shan't even think on it. Yeah right. It's like the test not too. I need something else to fill my thoughts. Something good. Something true.

I start down that road, leading to some sort of truth, and it usually leads back to the same place. Here. I can do many things.  I can make things happen. I just don't want to wake up alone any longer. I suppose by that logic, I need to make those things happen, but everyone always says, that is impossible. They well might be right.

Tonight. I will not try and make anything happen, I will just work. I think about anything, but that which I dare not speak of.

What was that thing, stacks? Fat stacks. Oh ok, I guess you'll do.

GOLD

Lots of it. I mean the good stuff. This one, the one they call Suzie Leigh, is the bees knees. I really, really like her. She makes me grin every time she pops into my mind. There's the most brilliant light in her eyes. It's like the first time I heard a viola pull my heart strings. Happiness will make you wonder. Can this really be true? I truly hope so. I get the giggles and grins whenever we're together. Her kisses are out of this world. Like sitting on a moon beam. Just smiling down at everyone we see.

Oh, my friends and stuff.

So it goes, you know the hoe's, or you don't but you will soon. Very soon. It's been like 24 hours since I started thinking of this and I did need to put this down or something. Things have been well, silly. The best kind of said word. I mean song of the day, BIE. Best Idea Ever!  This whole thing is just plain fun. I try not to think about it too much, but shit man, she is just poquito frio. NO, you are not understanding me. What I am trying to say is that…


Oh shut up!

When I think of last night I just have to smile. "Hey do you guys want sushi?' said Misha in a flash. What is this mexican ping pong that y'all ninja's are playing. I mean it's like being on a rollercoaster. You sit. You scream. You laugh. You cry when the ball hits you in the eye.

Professionals at life. The dance party was good. Who was that band again?

I think maybe, just maybe, that she's caught my disease. And that's the way I like it.

THE BEST WEEK EVER.

I mean, it was. If you don't believe me just head on over here and see for yourself. I think a lot of you already know that this is true for I saw so many old friends, made some amazing new friends, and just got to soak up all that is great in this life.

I could not stop smiling. We came through even though there were a few hiccups in the road, you know, that dang bus! Oh well, it all worked out, and there were few dry eyes in the place. Definitely not mine. Yes, it is true, I always cry at weddings. Why? It's beautiful, it's full of hope, love, beauty and all that efferfluff that I just can't get enough of.

It's really nice to know that there are so many awesome people in the world, just friends that I haven't met. It is very easy to get all wrapped up in the folks you know, but if you just put yourself out there, there is a myriad of laughter and love just waiting for you.

So, to all my friends, the ones I see constantly, the ones I never see, the ones I just saw yesterday, the ones I have yet to meet, I have one thing to say:


I fucking love you. 

SMILE TODAY.

It's so close, yet so far away. I can feel it. It seems that just around the corner, is the life I have been working toward creating. I now believe that I can have said life. I can get a job I like,  that affords me how I want to live. I am able to have a girlfriend that I really like. I am allowed to smile. It's fine to laugh, actually it's great to laugh. It's cathartic. It helps to remind me that all I ever wanted is within my grasp. If I could do just one near perfect thing, I'd be happy. On second thought, I 'd rather hang around with my best friend, if she wants me. She should, but I don't know who she is just yet. What I know is, she's close. I can smell her lovely tendrils. It's a wonderful thing. It's a wonderful life.

The best part of all this, is that I am good with today. I am good without the job, the girl, or anything at all. I choose to be happy, just because, I really like to smile, and it's infectious. When is the last time I smiled at you without getting in back in return? Never. :)

THAT OLD PIRATE SMILE

Yesterday I was sitting on a patio with some friends just talking, laughing and of course, drinking. I saw a few birds fly in and post up on a bench just around the corner from where I was seated. From my vantage point I could see one pretty little red bird. I was stealing glances and such as the bird sat and laughed with her friends. Then I saw it. That dang ol pirate smile. You know the one. The grin is from ear to ear, stretched across her bonny face, with her pearly whites glistening in the afternoon sun.  This is when I knew I had to drop the only line in the world that ever works,  "Hi, what's your name?"

Through the next hour or two we sat and chatted. Not just us, but mostly. I was trying to get to know this charming little bird. After awhile I was noticing that she seemed a little tipsy. Then she said something to the effect of, "shit , I'm drunk." I reassured her that was fine by me, and she needn't worry about that at all. The fantastic thing that I noticed while speaking to her was that I could feel her energy oozing through her ginormous grin. It is a soft and  brilliantly colored energy. It spoke to me. Her eyes were light and pretty as we looked into each other to see what was there.

Then I discovered that even though we were a long way from home, that we were neighbors. She lives right across the street! She asked for my number. I am going to help her with her painting or something very soon. At least that is what we spoke of via txt just this afternoon…

TOTE'S

Yeah, so maybe it's her. Who knows? Not I.

Howevs, she's pretty fucking fantastic. It's most def, a new game. She' cool, and not just kind of, but like ice cold, baby. I have this feeling that I would do anything for this one, which , oh fuck off, I am me. Me likes her, but knows her too. I wait. We will see, won't we?

RAWR TIGER.

Last night. Just, last night. Was beautiful. I mean  it was the funnest thing, yes I said it, that I have done in awhile. It goes something like this:

As I a am choking down the last of my carnitas tacos at work, I saw something. From directly across me I can see bright colored t-shirts, and girls, yes that kind, laughing and drinking. I'm all ears at this point.

I get a text. "hurry". I do. I'm there in 5 minutes. I find MAX with DIX and that kid whose name I just can't remember. He's not really important here anywho, but I will say, he's a nice guy.

I sit. Next to DIX, for of course, you know that I love DIX. She's a fun one. As am I and, I have a…

Never mind.

Let's now talk about the one they call Rainbow. Holy shit. This one is hot. Sexy in every way. Even when she hawk's a loogie past my tendrils, I find it a bit bonny. She has got that thing, you know that one thing, that, you can't put your finger on, or in for that matter.

She strolled in to the patio and spotted me, after a moment, maybe two. That was all we needed. Let's just say I have been writing to and not about this gumdrop. We were hot for each other. It just happened that way≥ The mix of friends, timing, location, booze, and of course willingness, just exploded into the grossest display of PDA that I have witnessed in a minute.

Seriously, and it was I who was performing. Eat your fucking heart out. I loved it. It was hot. It was a taste of something great.

Plus! She's the sweetest thing I have locked lips with in who knows how long. I'm just sayin', this girl and I, might have redefined PDA the other night at our local haunts.

You're welcome.

I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS

I'm just sayin. You kids are all fantastic. I really have love for you. You make me laugh. I smile for thee. You know who you are. Do come give me a squeeze. You're fucking fantastic. It is always a pleasure to see you. Yes my friends, you are my heart, and you know that I am quite the sillyheart. <3