RAWR TIGER.

Last night. Just, last night. Was beautiful. I mean  it was the funnest thing, yes I said it, that I have done in awhile. It goes something like this:

As I a am choking down the last of my carnitas tacos at work, I saw something. From directly across me I can see bright colored t-shirts, and girls, yes that kind, laughing and drinking. I'm all ears at this point.

I get a text. "hurry". I do. I'm there in 5 minutes. I find MAX with DIX and that kid whose name I just can't remember. He's not really important here anywho, but I will say, he's a nice guy.

I sit. Next to DIX, for of course, you know that I love DIX. She's a fun one. As am I and, I have a…

Never mind.

Let's now talk about the one they call Rainbow. Holy shit. This one is hot. Sexy in every way. Even when she hawk's a loogie past my tendrils, I find it a bit bonny. She has got that thing, you know that one thing, that, you can't put your finger on, or in for that matter.

She strolled in to the patio and spotted me, after a moment, maybe two. That was all we needed. Let's just say I have been writing to and not about this gumdrop. We were hot for each other. It just happened that way≥ The mix of friends, timing, location, booze, and of course willingness, just exploded into the grossest display of PDA that I have witnessed in a minute.

Seriously, and it was I who was performing. Eat your fucking heart out. I loved it. It was hot. It was a taste of something great.

Plus! She's the sweetest thing I have locked lips with in who knows how long. I'm just sayin', this girl and I, might have redefined PDA the other night at our local haunts.

You're welcome.

I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS

I'm just sayin. You kids are all fantastic. I really have love for you. You make me laugh. I smile for thee. You know who you are. Do come give me a squeeze. You're fucking fantastic. It is always a pleasure to see you. Yes my friends, you are my heart, and you know that I am quite the sillyheart. <3

SO I TRY, AND I SCREAM.

I guess maybe there's something to that old adage, that your moon is rising or setting or churning, or something. I mean, they're there. They are all around. Tempting. Taunting. Teasing. Making this whole thing just seem a little better. I'm happy to be here. I am happy to know you. Yes, you.

Things and stuff, oh where to start? Ok so, that whole match.not or what was it called, okstupid? Yeah, that one. She 's something. It's a lot different than things that I am used to, but I consider, that might be a good thing. So, I don't think I am gonna bag it, just yet. It's that way. Very casual. More casual than I am used to. Given my track record of failed relationships, I have decided, maybe it's time. Time to try something different. I have decided that I am just going to be me. Do what I do. Whatever that may be, and maybe just maybe, it will work. Don't worry, I 'm not holding my breath either. Where's my lighter…

So then, that one time, they're were two. I was drunk, and that equals somewhere close to 3.14. It goes something like this, somebody got too effed and had to call it a night early. Not the right one. Actually his timing was perfect, if only hers had been as well. Whatever. I had sobered up. I had introduced myself to the neighbors as the Canadian cousin. After awhile they called me over and offered a score for twenty dollars. We took it. The next thing I know it's five in the morning, and someone has to be up in an hour! What? Not me, her. The other her. She didn't have to work that day. I had discovered this earlier whilst speaking to her.

I decide, after awhile, that the other her, not the her I was into, might be sweating me out, for she might be into me. I might just be a pretentious asshole as well. Probably. After I called my cab, she and I went to smoke a cigarette on the porch. Just us, the plan I had envisioned hours earlier, when I was drunk. Currently I was really high, and most giggly. She was too. We laughed. There were most definitely smiles, little glances, hidden secrets, and an overall glee.

I chased the cab. I lost. I then decided it was a nice evening for a walk.  As I walked down the frontage road of 71/290 I had time to think about the evening. I thought about how, sometimes, when you think that it's all about to fall apart, something, that one thing, or in some cases, those two things, just hold it all together. If not for a second. Just long enough to catch my breath. Ready?

CONSCIENCE?

Yes, It seems that I have one after all. I know, I know. Well when she walked in to the bar, and I made her a few drinks, I was a little busy. I probably should have noticed that she was a PYT. Stressing the Y in that little moniker. She was all smiles, and so was I, so I got those digits and did use them to make a date with the auburn haired, porcelain skinned maiden.

First off, she was about an hour late. I am fine with girls being late, but an hour is pushing it. She was text explaining why she was late, so I waited.

She arrived. She looked as if she had just rolled out of bed, or whatever. I didn't mind this too terribly much, for I think ladies are pretty cute this way. I don't usually see it on the first date however, not at the beginning at least.

I asked her what she wanted to drink, and the answer was, "Texas Tea." Shit. She's younger than I thought. Turns out she is freshly 21. Like very freshly.

We talked over a few drinks then we decide to go back to my place to smoke. Upon arrival she checks out my art and we discuss for a minute. It was at this point when I had the opportunity to kiss her. I knew I could have had her. I looked at the bruises on her arm that I am all too familiar with. I step in, and then turn around and get her a bottle of water. What's the deal? Why didn't you kiss her?

I knew why. I knew that's all it would be, tonight. It might have been hot and stuff, for she did have nice curves, and that young spirit that I have played with so many times in the past. I didn't make my move for this is no longer what I want. Meaningless sex used to be great, but now I want more.

I want someone to wake up with on a Sunday. Brunch anyone? I want a partner in crime, not a catatonic sex doll.

As she walked out the door, I knew I would never see her again. It suited me fine, for she is not what I want, and I'm done with fucking around with shit that I do not want.

MATCH ME

The thing that I know most about myself, is that I am better when she is with me. Who is she? Who the hell knows. The times when she has appeared my thoughts are more focused and my heart is more settled than the vehement muscle that is beating erratically in my chest currently.

I like to have fun, and at times I have been told I can be funny. I like funny. Funny makes me smile. That being said, whoever I am with, needs to have a touch of the funny bone. You don't need to be a comedian, but get me laughing and you'll get closer to me loving.

I am passionate. I am crazy. I am a whole lot of things. There is no way that I can type them all out. Some things you don't need to read about anyhow. Just open your eyes and take a look.

I suppose you could call me a romantic. I am, so you can. I am dreamer. I believe in all that cheese. I believe that every love song was written for you and me. I believe that we can supernova a love that will be a light that shines for all to see.

I am a silly heart. I like to get giddy with glee. I like to say fantastically wonderful things. The fun thing about that is that I really mean them. If I say you're the coolest girl in the world, then you are. To me, anyhow. That's really all that should matter. Us. That is what matters to me. I don't care what you think, unless it is about me.

AND AGAIN FROM THE TOP

So I broke it all down for her, on her fucking request. She wanted it. I got it. We said what we needed to. Now, she's going home, and I'm sitting here all alone. But, I thought, I mean, WTF. I have no idea why this kitty gets to me, but she does it every time. Five years bitch. That's what I said. I also said I need five years to make you feel like the most magical gumdrop, ever. Just sayin...

IT'S TIME TO DO THIS.

There are a lot of things I could be doing rather than sitting around, drinking, and falling into deck railings. I could be writing the next, best trashy romance novel. I could be Djing the mess. I could be designing some new hot shit. I could clean up this fucking place! I could shower. I could shave.

I could also be a lonely guy, who has no friends.

I don't want that. I like my friends. I love them, too. They make me laugh, except laughing kinda hurts right now, cause well, you know.

So, for me, it's time to get straight ballin'. I need to do all the things I said, and have drinks with friends to gain inspiration.  I can do this. I will do this. Fractured rib and all.

Stay tuned…

AND FOR THE WIN.

Yes, you know what's up, well she might have been. Only time will tell. My favorite is when they tell me that they're nerds. Fuck you! I love nerds!!! I am a total dork. Completely nerdy and way too geeky for anyone's good. Happy New Year Loves. I love you so much, that I am hot while writing this. You are all amazing. Let your light shine. Shine a light down on me. Besos.

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN.

Cheer. That's the word I have carried with me this holiday season. It's fun to be fun. I like it. I make new friends. I have a belly full of giggles, and I can't stop the smiles. As the last days of 2011 are nearing, I must say that it has been a good one. A year full of laughs, love, and lissome darlings. A year that won't soon be forgotten, by most. Yes, times are tough, but hey so am I, and so are you.

In this spirit, I would like to welcome 2012 into my life. May it be a year full of no regrets. May it be a year full of cheer. For if the world is going to end this year, then the way I see it is this: It's like getting suited up in your best blacks. It's remembering the good times. Forgetting the bad ones. Remembering that we are all in this together, so let's help each other out. It's time to dance. It's time to make amends. It is time to fall in love. So let your heart be light. Make light. Be merry and bright. It's all happening now.

HEY M2, I LOVE YOU.

Yes, my friends at the place I never write about, cause, it's trite, and silly. However, these motherfuckers are my friends. So, Yes!. I do want to see the tree. I want it to be as magical as you say it will be. Well, … it is a bit magical, after all. Spin, twirl yourself around and just accept that, Yes, you  are in a minivan, with all of your co-workers, plus the new busser: RACHA. Smoke. Take sips off the baby.  I mean, Put the flask to your lips, tilt you head back, and get some. Don't be a bitch. Just open your throat and swallow.…

Sway through the crowd to a n empty space.

That's what went down. Mostly. She did arrive. Proposition me. Dance just enough. Then,  oh shit.

Really?


21!


I win. 

Working Title.

Them boots. Them bells. Them balls. That's how it starts down the efferfluffing rabbit hole. My, my missy. What do we have here? A pretty little thing, of course. Mmmm, glasses. And kerplunk it goes down to the bottom of the pit. Fast forward >>. What happened? I know, it was just a silly dream. A candy coated, glistening gumdrop of a dream. 

Still, just a dream. It's those dreams I'll scream of nightly. They fall on deaf ears for most, but every now and then, a felonicly fair maiden may heed the call. I may scream so loudly that I cannot hear myself scream. So, if A bear shits in the woods, then you can bet your sweet bippy that yours truly is looking at her. Even if for a second, see it twinkling in your eye, I just gotta try…

Try. Try. Try, and try again. That's the only way I know how to do what I do.  Keep trying. Failing. Falling. Winning. Losing. Laughing. Loving. 

I have fun. It's fun to always be thinking that everything you ever wanted is right around the corner. It creeps into my mind as I am writing this that maybe it's exhausting, but hey a lot of things that are exhausting can occasionally be fun. Like sex. Not that I have that anymore or anything, or at not least with anyone else. Certainly, not exhausting. 

However, I remember the good times. The times that have left me reeling, squealing, and most positively, feeling. It's those feelers that make me recall oh how sweet it can be. I seem to remember that it can be so ever shimmery with hues of rose and and rainbows. It fades. It always does. 

Get up, wake up, or just stand up. At times, I feel like I can fly.  But when my arms start a flappin', my head goes aloft, it swirls and twirls, but my feet just stay on the ground.  It does make quite a scene. It does not make any sense. 

If I feel like I can fly, then why can't I? 

Then it comes to me. You can fly. You are flying.  Up, up and up!  Into the lofty dreams of my head. In the vast expanse of cosmos in my mind I can usually find a place that somehow makes it ok. It's here that I want to reside. It is ok. Everything is alright. Just remember, you're flying. 

Things are beginning to shift, I can definitely feel that. This is good, for a shift is what I need. 

STACKS. FAT STACKS>

Yes, that's my new goal. I want to work all the time. Even when I am not working I want to think of ways I could be working. I wanna make stack and stacks. I want to do this for I feel I have been lazy. Lazily adrift in my sea of emotion. Endlessly searching for the one who does not exist. I realized this the other day, or perhaps, it was just yesterday.

Please don't call, I won't answer.

I'll be too busy working…

SOMETIMES IT'S JUST FUCKING ROCK N ROLL.

TATA tuesday. Yes, it is what you think it is. Scantily clad ladies gyrating out on the bar while you slurp your favorite elixir. Tuesday's at Headhunters, Austin, TX. Google it.  Some good heavy rock was pouring out of the room when we arrived on scene. Walk in to find the usual hardcore suspects doing their best to convey the rhythm that was pounding in their very hearts. We belly up to the bar for oat sodas and better view of Ms. Things ass. Hey Rob, "dibs."

No sign of the furries, so we head out back to find if the bears are done hibernating. It's been a little while since their last show, and the bipolar ones had been hard at work on their debut album,
The Unabomber's Daughter. 

"Shit it's cold!" one girl says to another as we make our way through the smoke to find the bipolar's in the "green room" or the back of the bar, outside in the elements. One, two, three, "Hey where's Poda?" I say to Caleb and then I see the look from the rest of the band. Poda is missing

They then start explaining how there was some sort of snafu with the payment processing on their, whatever.

"There's a big fucking lock on our music shed, and it's not ours."  explains Caleb as he details the use of a hacksaw, poda's $25 wal-mart lock cutter and Devin's teeth. No such luck. So here are the bears, about to play their first show since finishing the album, and no one has any gear. The boys from the band currently on stage had been generous enough to allow them to use their rig, so they were at least safe, for now. 

Still no Poda.

I then come to find out that they don't have an amp for the guitar. Thankfully at that very moment a guy walks in to the green room, and says they can use his amp or the bar's or whoever's, success. They had found a vox guitar amp. Daniel was giddy with glee. I too had a pep in my step, or perhaps I was just tipsy.

Still no Poda.

Sometime after another a pretty young thing walks in to the green room, and starts looking around and pushing buttons on her calculator, or whatever that thing with blinking lights was in her hand. She seems to be looking for something. "That would be funny, if she was looking for Poda too." Well turns out she was and then we all enjoy a good chortle, except her of course, cause hey, she really wanted to find him, and hey, all us fools are all too familiar with his antics. 

At this point the green room had become a little chilly so we make our way through the girls, the smoke, and whatever is written on the wall back inside to catch the end of the generous gents who's rig that would in turn be used by the white mammals, that is if Poda shows up. 

Shots. Beers. Dollar bills in black patterned stockings. Like I said, tata tuesday. A tap on the shoulder from a few of the friends I had invited. Nice to see you. Cheers! As we're talking about the game or something else, I see her. The one with the mathematical device in her paw. There's a vibration in my left pocket. I pull my phone out to find that Poda, yep that one, had txted me back. He's on the way. Rejoice. Hallelujah. The drummer is on the way! I guess she had forgotten me for when I told her Poda was on the way, she asked me how I knew that she was looking for him. Insert squirmy face here. 

Anyway, enough about her! Here's the missing link to the indie/pop/disco/rock darlings, The Bipolar Bears. Through the sea of high fives and and ass slaps I see the one known as the Poda sauntering towards me. He looks drunk. He is drunk.Making easy money pimping ho's in style. That's how we do it. Bout that time, ay chap?

Poda heads to the stage to join the band members who are desperately trying to make their non-isntruments produce that bipolar bear sound. The rest is rock history for the band played, girls danced, people drank, and I sat there with a winning grin. The Bipolar Bears are back!

As the band finishes the final notes of what would become known as the "drano ass" show, the drummer stands up, grabs a mic and exclaim's, "We're LITTLE BOYS PENIS!, Thank you, goodnight."

 

THE MONEY SMELLS FUNNY

Things have been swirling today, so here's my best attempt to put them down, get them out, or just mess them up even better. Despite my best efforts,  the design has been coming right along. Today I am currently working on several projects and am feeling rather creative. I like days like today. I awoke feeling a little crusty, but I was warm. Oh so warm in my bed. I was all alone, and yet I was still warm.

I feel like I am learning things all the time, or maybe I am just remembering them. Whatever the case it's good, I like it. I feel like if I just keep trying, believing, then things will start happening.

See, it's all happening, now.

WINNERS & LOSERS

Turn the pages of my life, which one will I be today? Well today, I guess I am a bit of both. I had an interview a job that I really want. It went very well, and I think I may get it.

At exactly 2:22 I received word that she doesn't think it's going to work out with us. She's not feeling it. I told her if she didn't want it, then neither did I. I then told her that I hoped she would find happiness and what she was looking for. I then said it was nice to meet her.

I thought for a minute that maybe I should have fought for her. Then I realized that it's only been a week and there's not much there to fight for. Perhaps it was a test. Maybe she was looking to see what I would say. I doubt it though.

So here I sit, alone again. It's a lonely life that I am living. Yes, I have a lot of friends, a few very close ones and we do love each other. However, friends don't keep you warm when it's this cold outside. There's no one there to embrace you on these cold and lonely nights.

It's 3:11. I always seem to look at the time everyday when it's 3:11. I remember when I left Aspen, and the old life of Mr. and Mrs. Cook, that the time was 3:11. Maybe I will remember that time or keep looking at that time until I forget how this feels.

I mean, I  am not so hurt, after all it's only been one week. I thought I saw it though. I did see something in her. I guess I have always thought that some little Texas philly might be able to save me. I thought it could have been her. However, the only way I want this love to be is to be reciprocated. If she doesn't want me, if she doesn't feel me, then so be it.

That doesn't stop me from feeling however, and it is I that I have to live with. What I want to take from this today, is that it will be ok. I will find her. Surely it's somewhere, right? The love that they speak of. The love that brings me home. The one that makes me live. What made me think that this was so different? She did tell me that she was a man-eater. I guess I didn't believe her. Maybe she's just scared.

Whatever, she's not her, and I am still here. Or maybe I'm still gone. I can't tell. I hope this new job works out. I do need a few changes in my life. I guess I'll just have to make those changes myself. It's a better way to be anyhow. So if you see me today, just know that I have won and lost. That's what I am today, a winner and a loser.

AM I DREAMING OR IS THIS THE DREAM?

It's been one week in a about two hours. I can see lights outside that remind me of that space cadet glow that I so long for. They have nothing to do with her, except I looked at them just last night when she was here.

I realize that I am ridiculous. I am silly heart and can get so swept away that I act the fool. I was reminded of this today by a true and trusted friend. I thought on it. I then recalled all the things I have learned to this point in my life. It's something I guess that I have fucked up in the past. I do tend to forget these things when the stars are in my eyes. I can expect nothing from her. I cannot wish anything into being. It was easier today once I remembered these things. I was starting to lose it. I hope she didn't catch on.

She's so relaxed and quite the badass that I was scared at first. I see now that I am also a badass, and if she can't see that, then that's her loss. I am worth it. I cannot force it. 

If it's meant to be, it will happen. There is no reason to get all worked up about it. It's futile. All these like sick blues for just the promise of what could be. I am not in love. I just see some signs that point in the direction I want. 

I think what started this tizzy was when I awoke this morning to find her sun kissed skin laying next to me. I have had visions about that skin. It's that skin I might have also called cinnamon in the past. I don't know if I have ever seen it lying to next to me. 

So I go half crazy now and then. I guess I always will. The thing I want to take from today, is that I know who I am. I know what I know, and I know what I want. If I am what she wants, then fucking fantastic. If I am not, oh well, I guess I'll just have to keep kissing all these frogs. Someday my princess will come. She may be here soon, she might be here tomorrow. She might be at concert in Houston. However I won't know until I know, so when I do, don't worry. You'll be the first.

LET'S HAVE COFFEE.

Yes, no drinks this time, just good old coffee from my favorite local brewer. The place was packed. I had arrived a few minutes early because, well I'm kinda old school that way. I hadn't been to the moon at night before, and the place was hoppin. Laptops aglow everywhere. Books out, open and words being highlighted, with papers strewn about the tables. I manage to secure two spots in the corner before the little darlin' arrived. I sat waiting patiently as I could for I had grown quite anxious about this meeting. It had struck me just earlier that day that some of those recollections I kept recalling had me reeling just a bit. They were a bit familiar. Like I knew this was going, somewhere. Where, fuck, who knows.



And, here she is…



Dang. She is as cute as I recalled. So freaking cute. Well it started off as most coffee shop conversations do. A little of this, talk about that. I'm pretty sure the woman on her laptop sitting next to us had to be eavesdropping. I would have been if I was her. All the body language was there, grins were appearing, and those feelings of resisting were disappearing. She even admitted that she did not want me to be as cute as she had remembered. Dang. I was. "…well let me go ahead and text her and tell her I don't need the out after all…"



After some more of us getting used to each other I suggest a move to an alternate location. My place seemed like the logical choice for it was extremely close to the coffee shop. We decide to walk although a cold wind had begun to blow. Upon arriving at my place, the conversation was becoming almost effortless. As I unfolded the strange brand of creepy that I do possess, she didn't seem to bat an eye. Oh those eyes… Blinding azul sapphires gleaming against her perfectly porcelain skin with those devilishly dark tendrils dancing around those lights and framing them ever so beautifully.



More and more talking. We discover that neither of us had eaten dinner before we met. We both had been busy, however I suspect that we might of both had a few butterflies in our tummies. We decide on dinner but it's after 11 at this point and not much is open here in the ATX after 10, which I find strangely peculiar for the amount of nightlife in this town. Anywho, I suggest Magnolia and she's never been.

We arrive and settle in to our booth. Talk. Eat. Laugh. Smile. Then she asks if we can go back to my place and watch a movie. Or course we can. So, we go.



I had seen the movie before, so I was able to steal some kisses from the couch. Soft, slow and sparkly…



After the movie we just kept on talking, kissing and laughing. Oh boy, it's 4am and it's not really kosher to stay the night on the first date. I mention that it could technically be considered the second date, but I digress. She stands up to leave, I say I'll walk her to the car, then lay the best kiss of the evening on her. "Was that a ploy to make me stay? she says. "Cause it almost worked."



I don't know, but there is something about this one…

SO YOU'RE A MAN EATER? PERFECT!

The one I had totally turned off just the night before came walking into the party with a saucy smile, and her dark and lovely locks falling across her face just enough to cover up just one of those sparkling baby blues. A smile, a wink and a nod.

Yes, it's me. Yes, I was totally under the spell of golden hops and that damn rye that always gives me those old red eyes.  Yes, I am a total douche bag. Anywho, it's nice to see you…

You know sometimes I act the fool. Well possibly a little more than sometimes, but for this story, I'll just say sometimes. I am truly sorry for partying this time. For she was really cute, a lot of fun, and has that lovely southern drawl.

I think I may have recovered. It's stretch, but I think I may just have been able to pull it off. Only time will tell, and only she will let me know. So all I have to say is this.

If you are what you say you are, then go on and use me up.

Hey there!

Hey you, yeah it's me. :) Nice to see you! How have you been? It's been awhile. What's new with you? You know I have been thinking about you a lot. I miss you girl. Have you been reading this? Your ears were probably burning. Cause look, it's ALL about you. Well, there's some nonsense about her. But baby, you know, she don't love me like you. You know this is all, well mostly, for you. You have been on my mind for quite some time. Can you feel it? Do you feel it? You must know how I am feeling. Babe, you've got me reeling. Keep believing, it's all happening, now. <3

WHO KNOWS ANYTHING FOR SURE? NO ONE THAT'S WHO>

Admittedly, I am a dreamer. I might be looking so hard that I have convoluted the very essence of my emotions. The promise is there. The hope is right around the corner. This titillates and scares the ever loving shit out of me. I mean, maybe she will be so fun, cool, and smart that I can't help it. However, she might be too young, too dumb, and just another someone.

Whatever.

The only thing I know that I can do is to try. Show up, speak my mind, and listen to her. So try I shall. I think she's cute, she seems rather chill, which is good. Of course no one will believe me when I say this to them for I have said it all before. Yes I know, but what else I am to do? I may not know who she is, but then again, neither do you…

So for you, my friends, I will not put too much faith in it. I won't write ridiculous and fanciful things about her. I won't call and tell you that we're in love. In fact, I won't say a word about it. It's just drinks. That's all. Where it goes, nobody knows. The only rule is this. Wherever it goes, this is where it begins.