HOLA

It was mostly as I thought, but also it was a lot more than I believed. Maybe it can be different this time. Perhaps this spark will start a fire. There's many things that I like about this one. She's fun and funny. What color is her hair today? She's sweet, a cuddle bug, and man she's down.

I think that we will get along just fine. It was hard for me to stop the words of terror spilling from my mouth. I was doing a pretty good job of putting on a bad impression. She didn't seem to mind. She seems to want the things that I do too. There was some mentions of said things, but not too much. Just something I picked up on. We carried on as if we had known each other for much longer than the truth of only a few hours. It was easy. It felt good. It felt really good.

She seemed to be holding back just a little when we kissed, for I felt that if she gave in fully, she might get lost. That's a place I have been, and it's not great to get all googley eyed right off the bat. I like how it went. She left me wanting more. So we have a lunch date tomorrow.

Maybe this time. Just maybe…

HERE WE GO, AGAIN.

I'm here again. Sitting alone at my desk, thinking of things I have, things I need, and things I want. It's almost if I went in a circle, but it's not really. For, I have received things I needed. Much needed. My new job  is going very well, and I am much happier with it, than the previous. This is a good thing. I feeling much more "like myself" whatever that means.

You know what I want, so I dare not say it's name. I shan't even think on it. Yeah right. It's like the test not too. I need something else to fill my thoughts. Something good. Something true.

I start down that road, leading to some sort of truth, and it usually leads back to the same place. Here. I can do many things.  I can make things happen. I just don't want to wake up alone any longer. I suppose by that logic, I need to make those things happen, but everyone always says, that is impossible. They well might be right.

Tonight. I will not try and make anything happen, I will just work. I think about anything, but that which I dare not speak of.

What was that thing, stacks? Fat stacks. Oh ok, I guess you'll do.

GOLD

Lots of it. I mean the good stuff. This one, the one they call Suzie Leigh, is the bees knees. I really, really like her. She makes me grin every time she pops into my mind. There's the most brilliant light in her eyes. It's like the first time I heard a viola pull my heart strings. Happiness will make you wonder. Can this really be true? I truly hope so. I get the giggles and grins whenever we're together. Her kisses are out of this world. Like sitting on a moon beam. Just smiling down at everyone we see.

Oh, my friends and stuff.

So it goes, you know the hoe's, or you don't but you will soon. Very soon. It's been like 24 hours since I started thinking of this and I did need to put this down or something. Things have been well, silly. The best kind of said word. I mean song of the day, BIE. Best Idea Ever!  This whole thing is just plain fun. I try not to think about it too much, but shit man, she is just poquito frio. NO, you are not understanding me. What I am trying to say is that…


Oh shut up!

When I think of last night I just have to smile. "Hey do you guys want sushi?' said Misha in a flash. What is this mexican ping pong that y'all ninja's are playing. I mean it's like being on a rollercoaster. You sit. You scream. You laugh. You cry when the ball hits you in the eye.

Professionals at life. The dance party was good. Who was that band again?

I think maybe, just maybe, that she's caught my disease. And that's the way I like it.

THE BEST WEEK EVER.

I mean, it was. If you don't believe me just head on over here and see for yourself. I think a lot of you already know that this is true for I saw so many old friends, made some amazing new friends, and just got to soak up all that is great in this life.

I could not stop smiling. We came through even though there were a few hiccups in the road, you know, that dang bus! Oh well, it all worked out, and there were few dry eyes in the place. Definitely not mine. Yes, it is true, I always cry at weddings. Why? It's beautiful, it's full of hope, love, beauty and all that efferfluff that I just can't get enough of.

It's really nice to know that there are so many awesome people in the world, just friends that I haven't met. It is very easy to get all wrapped up in the folks you know, but if you just put yourself out there, there is a myriad of laughter and love just waiting for you.

So, to all my friends, the ones I see constantly, the ones I never see, the ones I just saw yesterday, the ones I have yet to meet, I have one thing to say:


I fucking love you. 

SMILE TODAY.

It's so close, yet so far away. I can feel it. It seems that just around the corner, is the life I have been working toward creating. I now believe that I can have said life. I can get a job I like,  that affords me how I want to live. I am able to have a girlfriend that I really like. I am allowed to smile. It's fine to laugh, actually it's great to laugh. It's cathartic. It helps to remind me that all I ever wanted is within my grasp. If I could do just one near perfect thing, I'd be happy. On second thought, I 'd rather hang around with my best friend, if she wants me. She should, but I don't know who she is just yet. What I know is, she's close. I can smell her lovely tendrils. It's a wonderful thing. It's a wonderful life.

The best part of all this, is that I am good with today. I am good without the job, the girl, or anything at all. I choose to be happy, just because, I really like to smile, and it's infectious. When is the last time I smiled at you without getting in back in return? Never. :)

THAT OLD PIRATE SMILE

Yesterday I was sitting on a patio with some friends just talking, laughing and of course, drinking. I saw a few birds fly in and post up on a bench just around the corner from where I was seated. From my vantage point I could see one pretty little red bird. I was stealing glances and such as the bird sat and laughed with her friends. Then I saw it. That dang ol pirate smile. You know the one. The grin is from ear to ear, stretched across her bonny face, with her pearly whites glistening in the afternoon sun.  This is when I knew I had to drop the only line in the world that ever works,  "Hi, what's your name?"

Through the next hour or two we sat and chatted. Not just us, but mostly. I was trying to get to know this charming little bird. After awhile I was noticing that she seemed a little tipsy. Then she said something to the effect of, "shit , I'm drunk." I reassured her that was fine by me, and she needn't worry about that at all. The fantastic thing that I noticed while speaking to her was that I could feel her energy oozing through her ginormous grin. It is a soft and  brilliantly colored energy. It spoke to me. Her eyes were light and pretty as we looked into each other to see what was there.

Then I discovered that even though we were a long way from home, that we were neighbors. She lives right across the street! She asked for my number. I am going to help her with her painting or something very soon. At least that is what we spoke of via txt just this afternoon…

TOTE'S

Yeah, so maybe it's her. Who knows? Not I.

Howevs, she's pretty fucking fantastic. It's most def, a new game. She' cool, and not just kind of, but like ice cold, baby. I have this feeling that I would do anything for this one, which , oh fuck off, I am me. Me likes her, but knows her too. I wait. We will see, won't we?

RAWR TIGER.

Last night. Just, last night. Was beautiful. I mean  it was the funnest thing, yes I said it, that I have done in awhile. It goes something like this:

As I a am choking down the last of my carnitas tacos at work, I saw something. From directly across me I can see bright colored t-shirts, and girls, yes that kind, laughing and drinking. I'm all ears at this point.

I get a text. "hurry". I do. I'm there in 5 minutes. I find MAX with DIX and that kid whose name I just can't remember. He's not really important here anywho, but I will say, he's a nice guy.

I sit. Next to DIX, for of course, you know that I love DIX. She's a fun one. As am I and, I have a…

Never mind.

Let's now talk about the one they call Rainbow. Holy shit. This one is hot. Sexy in every way. Even when she hawk's a loogie past my tendrils, I find it a bit bonny. She has got that thing, you know that one thing, that, you can't put your finger on, or in for that matter.

She strolled in to the patio and spotted me, after a moment, maybe two. That was all we needed. Let's just say I have been writing to and not about this gumdrop. We were hot for each other. It just happened that way≥ The mix of friends, timing, location, booze, and of course willingness, just exploded into the grossest display of PDA that I have witnessed in a minute.

Seriously, and it was I who was performing. Eat your fucking heart out. I loved it. It was hot. It was a taste of something great.

Plus! She's the sweetest thing I have locked lips with in who knows how long. I'm just sayin', this girl and I, might have redefined PDA the other night at our local haunts.

You're welcome.

I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS

I'm just sayin. You kids are all fantastic. I really have love for you. You make me laugh. I smile for thee. You know who you are. Do come give me a squeeze. You're fucking fantastic. It is always a pleasure to see you. Yes my friends, you are my heart, and you know that I am quite the sillyheart. <3

SO I TRY, AND I SCREAM.

I guess maybe there's something to that old adage, that your moon is rising or setting or churning, or something. I mean, they're there. They are all around. Tempting. Taunting. Teasing. Making this whole thing just seem a little better. I'm happy to be here. I am happy to know you. Yes, you.

Things and stuff, oh where to start? Ok so, that whole match.not or what was it called, okstupid? Yeah, that one. She 's something. It's a lot different than things that I am used to, but I consider, that might be a good thing. So, I don't think I am gonna bag it, just yet. It's that way. Very casual. More casual than I am used to. Given my track record of failed relationships, I have decided, maybe it's time. Time to try something different. I have decided that I am just going to be me. Do what I do. Whatever that may be, and maybe just maybe, it will work. Don't worry, I 'm not holding my breath either. Where's my lighter…

So then, that one time, they're were two. I was drunk, and that equals somewhere close to 3.14. It goes something like this, somebody got too effed and had to call it a night early. Not the right one. Actually his timing was perfect, if only hers had been as well. Whatever. I had sobered up. I had introduced myself to the neighbors as the Canadian cousin. After awhile they called me over and offered a score for twenty dollars. We took it. The next thing I know it's five in the morning, and someone has to be up in an hour! What? Not me, her. The other her. She didn't have to work that day. I had discovered this earlier whilst speaking to her.

I decide, after awhile, that the other her, not the her I was into, might be sweating me out, for she might be into me. I might just be a pretentious asshole as well. Probably. After I called my cab, she and I went to smoke a cigarette on the porch. Just us, the plan I had envisioned hours earlier, when I was drunk. Currently I was really high, and most giggly. She was too. We laughed. There were most definitely smiles, little glances, hidden secrets, and an overall glee.

I chased the cab. I lost. I then decided it was a nice evening for a walk.  As I walked down the frontage road of 71/290 I had time to think about the evening. I thought about how, sometimes, when you think that it's all about to fall apart, something, that one thing, or in some cases, those two things, just hold it all together. If not for a second. Just long enough to catch my breath. Ready?

CONSCIENCE?

Yes, It seems that I have one after all. I know, I know. Well when she walked in to the bar, and I made her a few drinks, I was a little busy. I probably should have noticed that she was a PYT. Stressing the Y in that little moniker. She was all smiles, and so was I, so I got those digits and did use them to make a date with the auburn haired, porcelain skinned maiden.

First off, she was about an hour late. I am fine with girls being late, but an hour is pushing it. She was text explaining why she was late, so I waited.

She arrived. She looked as if she had just rolled out of bed, or whatever. I didn't mind this too terribly much, for I think ladies are pretty cute this way. I don't usually see it on the first date however, not at the beginning at least.

I asked her what she wanted to drink, and the answer was, "Texas Tea." Shit. She's younger than I thought. Turns out she is freshly 21. Like very freshly.

We talked over a few drinks then we decide to go back to my place to smoke. Upon arrival she checks out my art and we discuss for a minute. It was at this point when I had the opportunity to kiss her. I knew I could have had her. I looked at the bruises on her arm that I am all too familiar with. I step in, and then turn around and get her a bottle of water. What's the deal? Why didn't you kiss her?

I knew why. I knew that's all it would be, tonight. It might have been hot and stuff, for she did have nice curves, and that young spirit that I have played with so many times in the past. I didn't make my move for this is no longer what I want. Meaningless sex used to be great, but now I want more.

I want someone to wake up with on a Sunday. Brunch anyone? I want a partner in crime, not a catatonic sex doll.

As she walked out the door, I knew I would never see her again. It suited me fine, for she is not what I want, and I'm done with fucking around with shit that I do not want.

MATCH ME

The thing that I know most about myself, is that I am better when she is with me. Who is she? Who the hell knows. The times when she has appeared my thoughts are more focused and my heart is more settled than the vehement muscle that is beating erratically in my chest currently.

I like to have fun, and at times I have been told I can be funny. I like funny. Funny makes me smile. That being said, whoever I am with, needs to have a touch of the funny bone. You don't need to be a comedian, but get me laughing and you'll get closer to me loving.

I am passionate. I am crazy. I am a whole lot of things. There is no way that I can type them all out. Some things you don't need to read about anyhow. Just open your eyes and take a look.

I suppose you could call me a romantic. I am, so you can. I am dreamer. I believe in all that cheese. I believe that every love song was written for you and me. I believe that we can supernova a love that will be a light that shines for all to see.

I am a silly heart. I like to get giddy with glee. I like to say fantastically wonderful things. The fun thing about that is that I really mean them. If I say you're the coolest girl in the world, then you are. To me, anyhow. That's really all that should matter. Us. That is what matters to me. I don't care what you think, unless it is about me.

AND AGAIN FROM THE TOP

So I broke it all down for her, on her fucking request. She wanted it. I got it. We said what we needed to. Now, she's going home, and I'm sitting here all alone. But, I thought, I mean, WTF. I have no idea why this kitty gets to me, but she does it every time. Five years bitch. That's what I said. I also said I need five years to make you feel like the most magical gumdrop, ever. Just sayin...

IT'S TIME TO DO THIS.

There are a lot of things I could be doing rather than sitting around, drinking, and falling into deck railings. I could be writing the next, best trashy romance novel. I could be Djing the mess. I could be designing some new hot shit. I could clean up this fucking place! I could shower. I could shave.

I could also be a lonely guy, who has no friends.

I don't want that. I like my friends. I love them, too. They make me laugh, except laughing kinda hurts right now, cause well, you know.

So, for me, it's time to get straight ballin'. I need to do all the things I said, and have drinks with friends to gain inspiration.  I can do this. I will do this. Fractured rib and all.

Stay tuned…

AND FOR THE WIN.

Yes, you know what's up, well she might have been. Only time will tell. My favorite is when they tell me that they're nerds. Fuck you! I love nerds!!! I am a total dork. Completely nerdy and way too geeky for anyone's good. Happy New Year Loves. I love you so much, that I am hot while writing this. You are all amazing. Let your light shine. Shine a light down on me. Besos.

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN.

Cheer. That's the word I have carried with me this holiday season. It's fun to be fun. I like it. I make new friends. I have a belly full of giggles, and I can't stop the smiles. As the last days of 2011 are nearing, I must say that it has been a good one. A year full of laughs, love, and lissome darlings. A year that won't soon be forgotten, by most. Yes, times are tough, but hey so am I, and so are you.

In this spirit, I would like to welcome 2012 into my life. May it be a year full of no regrets. May it be a year full of cheer. For if the world is going to end this year, then the way I see it is this: It's like getting suited up in your best blacks. It's remembering the good times. Forgetting the bad ones. Remembering that we are all in this together, so let's help each other out. It's time to dance. It's time to make amends. It is time to fall in love. So let your heart be light. Make light. Be merry and bright. It's all happening now.

HEY M2, I LOVE YOU.

Yes, my friends at the place I never write about, cause, it's trite, and silly. However, these motherfuckers are my friends. So, Yes!. I do want to see the tree. I want it to be as magical as you say it will be. Well, … it is a bit magical, after all. Spin, twirl yourself around and just accept that, Yes, you  are in a minivan, with all of your co-workers, plus the new busser: RACHA. Smoke. Take sips off the baby.  I mean, Put the flask to your lips, tilt you head back, and get some. Don't be a bitch. Just open your throat and swallow.…

Sway through the crowd to a n empty space.

That's what went down. Mostly. She did arrive. Proposition me. Dance just enough. Then,  oh shit.

Really?


21!


I win. 

Working Title.

Them boots. Them bells. Them balls. That's how it starts down the efferfluffing rabbit hole. My, my missy. What do we have here? A pretty little thing, of course. Mmmm, glasses. And kerplunk it goes down to the bottom of the pit. Fast forward >>. What happened? I know, it was just a silly dream. A candy coated, glistening gumdrop of a dream. 

Still, just a dream. It's those dreams I'll scream of nightly. They fall on deaf ears for most, but every now and then, a felonicly fair maiden may heed the call. I may scream so loudly that I cannot hear myself scream. So, if A bear shits in the woods, then you can bet your sweet bippy that yours truly is looking at her. Even if for a second, see it twinkling in your eye, I just gotta try…

Try. Try. Try, and try again. That's the only way I know how to do what I do.  Keep trying. Failing. Falling. Winning. Losing. Laughing. Loving. 

I have fun. It's fun to always be thinking that everything you ever wanted is right around the corner. It creeps into my mind as I am writing this that maybe it's exhausting, but hey a lot of things that are exhausting can occasionally be fun. Like sex. Not that I have that anymore or anything, or at not least with anyone else. Certainly, not exhausting. 

However, I remember the good times. The times that have left me reeling, squealing, and most positively, feeling. It's those feelers that make me recall oh how sweet it can be. I seem to remember that it can be so ever shimmery with hues of rose and and rainbows. It fades. It always does. 

Get up, wake up, or just stand up. At times, I feel like I can fly.  But when my arms start a flappin', my head goes aloft, it swirls and twirls, but my feet just stay on the ground.  It does make quite a scene. It does not make any sense. 

If I feel like I can fly, then why can't I? 

Then it comes to me. You can fly. You are flying.  Up, up and up!  Into the lofty dreams of my head. In the vast expanse of cosmos in my mind I can usually find a place that somehow makes it ok. It's here that I want to reside. It is ok. Everything is alright. Just remember, you're flying. 

Things are beginning to shift, I can definitely feel that. This is good, for a shift is what I need. 

STACKS. FAT STACKS>

Yes, that's my new goal. I want to work all the time. Even when I am not working I want to think of ways I could be working. I wanna make stack and stacks. I want to do this for I feel I have been lazy. Lazily adrift in my sea of emotion. Endlessly searching for the one who does not exist. I realized this the other day, or perhaps, it was just yesterday.

Please don't call, I won't answer.

I'll be too busy working…