LOVE, IS DEAD.

I regret to inform all you hapless souls who have lost, turned down, cheated, or never found LOVE, but, that bitch is dead.
Don't worry, you're in good company.

LOVE was found floating face up at the Lilliputian pool in her condo by the incessant highway late Sunday. Foul play has been ruled out at this point, but key undisclosed sources tell us that there is in fact a suspect. HATE is thought to blame, but like we said, no official word just yet. LOVE enjoyed a somewhat bittersweet life for all her accomplishments. She often ran into her folly, which as has been well documented by various news outlets and purported sources, such as this one. She is survived by three daughters: HOPE, CHARITY, and GRACE. The names and places of the grandchildren have been omitted for "SAFE's Sake"

Additional sources tell us HATE was last seen drinking whiskey at the broken spoke late Saturday. The residence where the body of LOVE was found is within a close approximation to the spoke, and though HATE has not been charged, he is nowhere to be found.

A funeral has been scheduled for Thursday afternoon at the Sunny Brooke cemetery. Flowers can be sent, but the family has asked that you respect's LOVE's wishes that the be kept modest. The service will undoubtedly be humble.

Details to come.