EMERGE
Last night I could not get that word out of my head. It was like the lights were turned on, finally. Perhaps the lights have been on, but I was so afraid to see what was there, I just couldn't allow myself to look. I had intentionally been numbing myself, so that I couldn't see at all. I can't believe it took me this long to wake up, but hey, I am now awake, a bit groggy, but awake. It's amazing the CRAP that you see once you finally allow yourself to take a look around the place you call your life.

I have been screwing up , left, right, forwards, backwards and any other way you can think of. I knew I was doing it, but I was kidding myself by thinking it would all just magically be ok. I have been pushing those I love away, and that hurts me the worst. The one I have pushed away the most, is in fact the one that I love the most. There is no way to express the regret that I feel for the childish ways I have acted towards this person. I cannot believe that they still, despite all my efforts, love me. It was this kind of unconditional love that really helped me to awake.

I finally feel that mentally, I am in a good place. That being said, I feel that I have tangled a lot of things up, and it will take some time and patience to get them untangled, but that's ok. It's kind of like the long winter is over, and the first rites of spring are here. I know I have said I have been here before,but I hadn't believed it until now.

I think that is the all important ingredient. Belief. I had not, until this point, actually believed that I could do this. I didn't think I had the strength inside me. It's funny to me that I needed someone else to see it in me, to believe it myself. It's not funny I guess, at all.

You know who you are. You know what I mean, and I am so happy to have the opportunity to give back to you what you have given to me. I may not ever be able to repay you fully, but I'll live the rest of my precious time with you to make sure that I am doing everything I can to make you really feel it, but not too much, I wouldn't want you to feel any pressure...